It’s snowing gracefully outside of my bedroom window while my chai tea steams and smells of cinnamon. Schools are closed because of the snow so we will be discovering fun around our house today. This morning’s breakfast was a perfectly shaped veggie omelet with an excessive amount of cream cheese dripping out of the sides. I love days like this that allow time for creativity in cooking. A wonderful ex-boyfriend of mine taught me how to make omelets. We frequently had them for dinner with everything from the fridge enveloped in the omelets’s insides. Mmm…
Working through two relationships ending during the in the last several years, I have come to discover numerous things about myself.
Today, I had a great realization. That as a grown up, we get to reparent ourselves in the way that our parent’s had hoped to but couldn’t. They couldn’t in part by circumstance and in part because of their own unhealed parts. If we do not know this, some of us unconsciously keep trying and striving to “be”, “do” whatever it is we “think” our parents want us to and miss out on discovering who we are.
I am not upset with my parents by any means. I know they did the best they knew how as we all do and I am very thankful for them. My point is about realizing that we can work towards becoming the people “they” want us to be or the people “we “want to be. Yes, we do this in stages throughout our lives and it is a continuing process. If we do not become aware of our unconscious choices, we recreate this pattern of pleasing others in relationships and in our work environment. I have seen this pattern in myself. It’s not something I am proud of, but it is real and good to be aware of. I am recovering from being overly responsible. One step at a time.
Our parents are different people from us. Obvious, yes but to parts of us, not so much. If we didn’t hear permission to “be yourself” followed by actions to support that statement, we can assume it is our job to “please” them… or our employer… or our partner. And so the pattern goes until, one day you have an “Ah ha” moment that says, “Who are you and what are you here to do in this world?” I had one of these moments recently. A good friend calls these moments “AFGO” or “Another F#@king Growth Opportunity”. Well said I think.
So based on this, I am choosing to parent myself in a way that works for me. What kind of parent would I like to be? Well, of course loving, available, fun, joyful, creative, blah, blah, blah but what does that mean in practice?
It means I get off this computer and play in the snow with my kids. It means I get up to my elbows in flour making pretzels letters. It means I take time to do something artistic today. It means I take some quiet time for myself. It means I let the inbox, dishes, laundry and other duties just “be” for today.
I don’t know what else it means except that defining what is “fun” and “joyful” for me, means I am being an authentic to me. And that is a good start. That is what I want for my children, permission for them to “be themselves” and a mama that does her best to be an example. It’s not selfish even though it feels new. It’s self love, it’s honest and a step in the direction of answering the question, “Who are you and what are you here to do in this world?”
So, here I go to play in the snow!!