Embracing who you are, when you don’t feel like it.

303982_10150434886473185_64655903184_10083810_1136723093_nIn my last post, I wrote about embracing who you are. I’m working on that, slightly unsuccessfully this morning. It’s a process right?

How do you embrace your life when it seems like circumstances are out of your control? When you keep trying to move something or do something new or start something and it feels like it doesn’t works and you end up in the same old place, stuck. You are antsy to see these changes in your life but it just seems like the same thing over and over and over and over… for some that might be a new diet, or job, for me it’s how do I live my life well, today and everyday.

Well, this morning in my grumpy state I tried a few things. I cut my hair… I would not recommend that. I made a bigger breakfast than usual for my kids, I lit a candle, I helped my kids organize their rooms. But all of these external actions are trying to change how I feel inside. Oh. So no haircut, new shirt, words of affirmation or hugs are going to change my attitude? It’s up to me? Right! Ugh. Well, it looks like I’m still growing.

I guess it’s just time to sit with the uncomfortable feelings that arise and know that’s the way to a more peaceful existence.

Guess what, it’s ok to be upset that you got in a huge fight with a family member, or that you want to move into a new house so bad you can taste it but you are scared you won’t be able to afford it. Or that you want a consistent love partnership in your life as you raise your kids. And… frustration and anger are symbols that something wants to be noticed. One of the things I notice is that mostly I ignore these feelings until they erupt in a firey explosion, hopefully not harming those in it’s path. But also that I put up with things that don’t really feel ok with me in the name of keeping the peace. This peacemaker quality is a good one, but not if it steamrolls boundaries in a self neglectful act in the name of peacefulness.

I should be gracious with myself, I am nice most of the time. Too nice some say, including me. So my buildup of emotions can seem kinda, surprising to myself and others. It’s like somebody took the lid off and I’m like “Put the lid back on!” I used to I look for a cookie, or a distraction until I felt the lid was back on and sometimes I still do. But increasingly these days I just sit with it. And eventually, honestly, I am thankful. I am thankful for the anger arising in me as a sign that there is something out of balance. I am thankful for the argument with the family member, I see it had a purpose and a message. It reminds me to embrace who I am and be ok with the tough days. And be thankful for the little things like this teacup and this time to write.

It’s a process, this thing we call life. In my experience, the more we embrace life, the tough and beautiful days, instead of distracting ourselves or resisting hard things, the more we we are able to really fully experience life. And that is a beautiful thing. How are you embracing who you are today?

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