Feeling scared of getting what you want.

406095_513039915385023_1032371142_nI met a new kind of scared last night. I think it’s called being scared of getting what you have always wanted.

I have been in love with the same guy for almost four years. We have gone in and out of relationship, trying to find our way to sustainable love after two rough divorces, 4 kids and life happenings. Recently, we have turned some kind of corner and things feels new and possible.

I have been a single mom for 5 years. I have experienced growth in ways I had no idea was possible, in part because I had never dreamed of going through anything so challenging and I also didn’t know I was made of such strong stuff. I have experienced scared. Scared of not being enough as one parent, of not enough time or money to go around, of being exhausted and lonely. But until recently, I hadn’t met being scared of getting what you want in this way.

Last night, my sweetheart picked up the kids from school. He brought my daughter to meet me at the YWCA where we put together hygiene kits for homeless children with our mother daughter group. He played playmobil with my boys and talked about what being safe at school looks like with my son who had a tough day. He made gluten free spaghetti with oregano and Himalayan salt. When my daughter and I arrived, the table was set with bowls handmade by our dear friend. My son to eat vegetables. We laughed and licked our bowls clean.  As I washed the dishes and he dried, we talked about our day. We problem solved a school situation and talked with my son about big feelings, positive solutions and consequences. As the kids and I put on our coats to leave, I noticed feeling sad. This is it, I thought. This is what families do with a mom and a dad and it feels so awesome.

As I drove home and put kids to bed, I marinated on this feeling. This feeling of being scared of getting what you want. I have wanted this love and family feeling for so long. Going through the experience that we have, I can see that it’s natural to be afraid of finding something beautiful and loosing it again. I think this might be the bravest I have needed to feel in a long time. In some ways, it feels like it would be easier to shrink back, to close down my heart. Because then at least I would be in charge of getting hurt or not. But that is not life. Moments are not brought to us to shrink away from, they are brought to us as gifts. This is where my friends faith and trust come in. They help me find the next stepping stones in this pathway I’ve never walked before.

As I tentatively put my foot down on a stepping stone, here’s to bravery. Here’s to love and laughter and dreams turning into reality. Here’s to being scared and moving forward anyways. Whatever it is that you are scared of, have faith in your own bravery and take the first step. And, enjoy the journey.

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One thought on “Feeling scared of getting what you want.

  1. “…here’s to bravery. Here’s to love and laughter and dreams turning into reality. Here’s to being scared and moving forward anyways. Whatever it is that you are scared of, have faith in your own bravery and take the first step…”

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