I go through these phases then I don’t remember why my ex and I broke up. It’s like it’s been completely erased from my brain and I only remember how great he was. Rosey images fill my senses all “him” colored.
I read through old poetry he wrote. I stumble though pictures of us, amazed at how long we were together. Sunsets and songs remind me of him. This is usually when I reach out to “see how things are going” aka to check and see if anything has changed.
I’m not sure what I would want to be different on his side exactly. So maybe part of me is checking to see if I am different. Sure, he could have a different job, things could be calmer between us and we could be both pointed in the same direction. But that probably won’t happen.
So what is it I’m hoping for when I call to say hello? Part of me misses a friend I had for a long time, part of me wishes we would workout somehow, and part of me wants to feel my insides melt when he says hello in that special voice that is just for me. In this moment it’s mostly the later, swoon.
He has a way of making me forget about the world and just be in love. I love being in love. The sunrise colors are a little brighter, my tea tastes sweeter and I have a little spring in my step. The part about this ex is that he’s very good at making me feel loved. But more than that, he inspires me with his life mission and the way he embraces life fully with open arms. There aren’t many people like him, in fact I think that saying “they broke the mold after that one” applies tremendously here.
We’ve always said that if we were going to work out, something significant would have to change. Maybe that’s it and with enough personal work on ourselves we will end up together – two old people holding hands on the porch gazing at the sunset. Or maybe with all of the hurt we have experienced over the years, we won’t ever be those old people in this lifetime.
I guess all I know at this point is that there is/was something beautiful between us. Something right and holy and delicious. Something bigger than us but we couldn’t seem to get our little selves and our own issues out of the way.
And so life goes on. I am surrounded by people that love me. I have much joy in my life. And from time to time when I gaze at the sky, I think of this special man who loved me dearly. That is good enough for now.