Tough days, goodnights and hope

Today was a tough day. It’s been 7 days that my son has been sick. He’s lost 4 pounds and he is a thin dude already. We had been to two different doctors because our normal pediatrician is on vacation. Today we saw a third doc. He ordered blood work, so we went next door to the hospital lab, my little guy was a champ. The doctor called a couple of hours later with the test results, his body is fighting something that’s for sure but based on the test he ruled out the bad stuff. Exhale.

Nothing makes you feel mortal or scared to the bones like your kids getting sick or hurt.

I was looking forward to talking about it tonight with some friends but I wrote the wrong day down for my single parents group. Instead, I got food to go, went home to hug my kids. I was early so each one of them said, “why are you here, go back to work”. Ouch. I ate too much dinner, snuggled them all anyways and tucked them in. I got the humidifier for one, closed the windows for another, and did the secret handshake twice for the third.

By the time the evening was over, I sat down on the couch and watched the leaves move in the trees. I had no idea what to do with myself. I watched some tv, which not surprisingly was not fulfilling.

I literally googled “how to learn to be alone”. I used to be so good at being alone. I loved it. I traveled by myself, wrote in coffee shops, took big walks, read and loved it. Now, my alone time is so rare, like 1 hour a day after the kids go to bed – and that’s it, no joke. It seems like I don’t know what to do with myself. Sure I have the list of “shoulds” – the never-ending laundry for starters. Or a list of the “want to’s” – finish the painting on the easel, call a friend, schedule camping – but I don’t want to do those either.

I just want to sit down on the couch with someone that cares about me/the kids and talk about the day. Talk about that today was hard, and then release it and talk about the plans we want to make in our lives. I don’t get to experience that right now, I get that. I am a single mom and that’s just the way it is. But someday, I would like to share the end of my day with someone special.

So world, I say to you, today was tough, I could use a hug. And out there somewhere, I know there are more people just like me, who would like someone to say goodnight too. So goodnight and sweet dreams.

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