Learning to deal with what is

I’ve tried it all over the last few days. Anything to make me feel better about my mom’s cancer. 

I’ve taken a day off, watched romantic comedies, made lasagna, green smoothies, and blueberry scones. 

I went to the gym. I danced and did more squats than I thought possible. 

I’ve written, reached out to friends and cleaned my room.

And… my mom still has cancer. 

It’s not fair for a lot of reasons. She is such a warrior and I still don’t want her to have to go through this. You shouldn’t get cancer if you eat kale everyday. 

It turns out I can’t control this one. I can usually try a new strategy at work or set up chores at home, but this, not so much. 

It turns out I have to figure out how to “be” with what is. That is hard when you don’t like what is.

Why is that so hard?! I guess I’m not the Buddha yet, because I’m pretty attached to this loved one. I have plans for her too. She’s supposed to be here when my kids get married, when I get remarried, when I buy a house. That was always the plan. And now, this disease is trying to change that. I do NOT approve.

I guess cancer doesn’t ask for anyone’s approval. 

And so, I write. I google new strategies to start tomorrow and I pray. Tomorrow I will try and do I little better. I will be gentle with myself.

I will hug my mom. And know that however long we have weeks or years, I am so grateful and slowly, I’m learning to deal with what is.

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