Love letter to my Mom

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Dear Mom,

We are moving Mom. Into our first sweet house that we actually own. You would be so proud.

We bought 95 boxes of floors today, 3,300 pounds. We rented a truck and the boys moved all of them.  They are so big and strong now.

You would love the house. There is a beautiful dogwood tree in the front yard. The backyard has a place for the tree I told you about, the one I have been wanting to plant since the kids were born.

We are picking just the right hues of blues, greens and yellows for bedrooms and the kitchen. It will be so cheerful and filled with light. One of the rooms will be a study with books lined up to the ceiling, cozy reading chairs, the piano and all of our guitars (I think we are up to 8 now). We will sing songs that you love in this room Mom.

I miss you so much. Everyday, I want to call you and hug you and ask your opinion on something.

Everyday I feel your presence, your joyful laugh, and your warmth when I think of you. And… I want to touch your hand again. I want you to wrap your arms around me when I feel overwhelmed and tell me everything is going to be alright.

It’s been six months now since you passed away. I am ready for you to come back now. It feels like you have been on a long vacation and it’s time to come home. And… I know that’s not going to happen. I watched you fight, for so long, against cancer. I hate cancer sometimes. I blame it for taking you away from us too soon. Other times I remember what you told me, that this was just your time to fly home.

I’m glad you are pain free now, and I know you are watching out for us. I see you in clouds and seagulls and trees. I am working through the pain of you not being here. Somedays are better than others.

As we prepare to move into our new home, I am really missing you. You have helped me move into every home I have ever rented and now we are buying a home and you won’t be there. You always washed down the counters and brought sparkling water for the movers.  You watered the plants and made sure there was a bowl of sliced apples and grapes for everyone. You plugged in lamps and set out towels so we would be comfy after a long day of moving. What a blessing you have always been in our lives.

Mom, we will continue to honor your memory in many ways. We will plant flowers in our backyard in your name. We will sage our new home to bring in all of the good energy. Your plants will move into the house with us where they will have good light and flourish.

We will flourish too Mom. Just like you would want. There will be laughter, music, colorful food, beauty and love. Thank you for showing us how to live a life filled with love and grace.

Loving you always,
T

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I have so much more in me than I know

16161677 - american bald eagle circling in the airI’ve always known it. That I am radiant child of the universe. We all are. From the time I was a little girl, I have known I had a purpose that was much larger than me. I have had a strong connection to the earth, sky, and the universe around me.

I have seen things that fill my insides with light, that I don’t have words to explain. I just know, with my whole being that we are surrounded and loved by a spirit much grander than we can see.

There is a lot in our daily lives these days. Kid activities, work, volunteering, the house, the garden, keeping our bodies healthy.

Tonight I was telling a friend how I watched an eagle soar recently. It was so high in the sky, dark against the clouds, such a strong presence, gliding with grace of a thousand feathers. Next to it flew a sparrow, flapping its wings trying to catch up. I felt such a calling to glide like my friend the eagle. Yet, I realized that I have been flapping my wings like the sparrow. When I look up the meaning of the sparrow, it says “Although it is small, the sparrow animal totem is both powerful and productive. It’s persistence and integrity shows us that we do not have to be big to make a difference.” Yes! I have felt like that for years, persistence and determined to make a difference in the world.

As I sat there, for what seemed like eons, I fell in love with the rhythm of the eagle.

“Eagle symbol comes into our lives, it does so bringing a powerful message with it. We can achieve more than we are, and we can rise above our current struggles on the wings of our Eagle guide. Eagle is a powerful spiritual totem, bringing clear vision to show us the hidden patterns in the world around us. They are right there for us to see, it tells us that we shall achieve the goals we are hunting through hard work and perseverance, and that our intuition should be trusted at this time.”

As I chatted with a friend tonight about my experience with the eagle, I realized that I have been so focused on the “how” of getting things done that I have been forgetting to just let it be and watch it unfold how it is supposed too.

Bless the graceful eagle and the sparrow as they each have parts to play.

As I move into these next days with plenty to do, I embrace the eagle wings and the spirit that is in me from generations of grandmothers and mothers who have come before me. I will honor their legacy with my walk or rather my wings – open, broad, and embracing of life, and with beautiful views as well.

Here’s to soaring…

 

Letting Go

0ef54ba44185e87083fa870085203b27--bird-flock-bird-flyingThey say our loved ones speak to us after they are gone. Sometimes in symbols, other times through dreams.

I had a dream about my mom last night. I was in the hospital with her, I had been there for hours but for some reason had not been into her room. Perhaps I thought she was sleeping. I heard one of the nurses say to another that she was scheduled to start radiation tomorrow. I was surprised. She had been doing chemo for months and it wasn’t going well so why would they be starting her on another treatment?

I walked into her room and saw her lying there in the most uncomfortable position. Her arm was outstretched off the bed and I could see she was struggling with the strength to move it back to the bed. I rushed to her and gently scooped up her arm and enfolded her in the biggest hug. She melted like butter into my arms and said, “I want peace honey. I want peace.” I said, “I know Mom, you will. Very soon.”

She has been gone for 5 months now. I woke up this morning realizing perhaps it is time to scatter her ashes.

I don’t want to. It’s so final.

I want her with me when we move next month, I want her to be at our wedding in 3 months, and my daughter’s graduation and my son’s games. I want her to see the flowers we plant in the backyard in her honor, so many flowers. I want her to stay with me forever and ever.

Letting go is so hard. And, that doesn’t mean it is the wrong thing to do.

Part of me knows she will be with me forever. In butterflies, rainbows, memories, and songs. Her beautiful spirit will radiate forever.

There is a river her heart felt called to around here. I will plan to go visit it this week and see if it is the right place for her ashes. I will plan to let the tears flow, as I write this, and as I think about letting her go, or I guess another way of thinking about it is, setting her free.

I want that freedom for her, and I know she already has it, and it is becoming time to complete the cycle. No matter how much it aches.

I love you Mom. I want you to fly like the joyful sparrow that you are, swooping and playing in the breeze, your joy filled spirit singing as you dance.

I am learning to let go, and with that set free the most loving angel I have ever known,

I love you Mom, forever and ever and ever.

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Get it together, or at least a few steps in that direction

I totally thought my parents had it together when I was a kid. I ate food everyday, I slept a reasonable amount and had clothing to wear. We weren’t rich but we had enough.

These days, I look around at my friends and it seems like we are all overworked and overtired. We drive 5 hours so our kid can play in a volleyball tournament, cheer loudly, fill up water bottles, come home and start work the next day.

We budget and worry and calculate and measure to make sure there is enough for everyone.

We are getting more gray hair, texting at stoplights, and can’t find any clean socks.

I imagine there are different, better ways to do this. And I’m setting out on an adventure to figure out how. How to fall in love with your life, kids, partner, health, work and friends. How to travel, like actually save up and do it, not just set aside $25 a month and then in a pinch transfer those funds to cover groceries. How to live within our means, use what we have and slow it down enough that we don’t spend money on just being busy.

Step 1 go to sleep. Early. There is no magic show or Facebook post that is going to change your life. You are the only one who can do that. So get some flipping sleep.

Step 2 laugh, like for real. Tell your kids to tell you one of their ridiculous jokes, watch anything with Melissa McCarthy or Ellen. Just let loose for a minute. The laundry-dishes-bills-homework-dinner can wait until you have a good belly chuckle.

Step 3 acquire beauty. Pick a flower, buy yourself some new flowers, a dress, a kitchen towel, a new pair of earrings. It doesn’t matter what it is, if it is beautiful to you, go for it.

Step 4 get yourself a date. With your partner, friend, kid, yourself. The point is to set aside some time for you to be with someone special.

Step 5 repeat. Repeat, and add new steps to this recipe. It doesn’t matter which order, just go for it and repeat. And for the love, add some flare to it. Get your groove going, whatever that is for you.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to put on my India Aire Album, eat all of the orange M-n-Ms, and paint my toes.

Enjoy doing whatever it is that reminds you that you are a beautiful, radiant, imperfect but perfect in your own way, work of art. And your painting starts right here.

Mama love,
T

What words do you say?

It’s been awhile since I have written. For several reasons.

I open up my computer to write and it feels like an arid desert, where their used to be a raging river.

I know a lot of it is because of her. Some call her a guide, or friend, or radiating sunshine on a cloudy day, I call her Mom.

I think it’s been about two years since I have really been able to write.

It’s like the well went dry at the same time she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She was 70 years old, ate kale and salmon for most of her life. She didn’t smoke, or drink, or eat sugar, she hosted a prayer ministry for those in need,and was the most loving Grandmother you could ever imagine.

I spent a long time asking why. Why her? Why now? Why not someone else, someone mean-spirited or unkind? Why my Mom, who I have a loving relationship with and not a Mom who wasn’t that great?

I still wonder why. But not as much. She told me once that in her belief system, God was calling her home and had a new special assignment for her. She felt comfort in that, and I guess it helped me too.

I think I stopped writing when she got cancer because she would read my posts and I didn’t want her to have to deal with chemo, pain meds, AND hear about my struggle. She had enough on her plate.

She passed away December 29, 2017, after a two year battle with cancer. I have never seen strength like I experienced in my Mother. A week before she passed away, she was unable to eat anything, she was on morphine every hour, she still managed to sing Christmas carols, and tell me she loved me “forever and ever”.

I took two months off of work to care for her before she passed, I am beyond grateful for that time together. I was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I would do it again in a heartbeat, if given the chance.

She is gone now. Gone from my sight. I have pictures, memories, a special blanket she gave me, and I know that she is not gone, just gone from my sight. I feel her sometimes, in the wind, the butterflies, the flowers and the trees. I know she is loving us from the great universe. I miss her gentle hugs, her lavender smelling hair, and the twinkle in her eye that you think she was part elf or fairy.

What do I do with this ocean of grief? Sometimes I eat too much chocolate, or let my body rest when it is tired, or take a long walk, or cry and offer my grief to the ocean- it seems big enough to hold it.

I certainly don’t have the answers. But I do know I have been blessed to have a Mom like mine. Loving to her very core, fierce in the face of injustice, and radiant, like the sun shining on thousand pink cherry blossoms.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom. I love you, forever and ever.

Celebration of life 

How to you find words to express your feeling about someone you deeply loved who is gone now? 

Her love was like the warmth of the sun, she smelled of roses after a rain and walking through a lavender patch, her joy was like the giggle of newborn after discovering her toes. She was so much more than words can express, she was and will always be my mom. 

I feel so fortunate to have lived and grown with her from mother daughter to best friends. 

She was the most loving person I have ever met, not just in theory but in real life. 

She loved you all so much. When my mom loved someone it wasn’t a word it was an action like a waterfall of kindness that poured from her 5ft 2. body. What a powerful woman. 

I knew she was strong when I was growing up because she made it through some of my adventures in boundaries. And yet, I had no idea how strong she really was until I watched her battle cancer for the last 2 years. My mother is a warrior. Both in body and definatrlin in spirit as she prayed for those she loved and world concerns with her powerful voice – victory always was her focus.

As we come here today to celebrate my mom. I know she would want to me to share her love and gratitude with you all. Gratitude to her dear friends and spiritual warriors, gratitude to her loving caregivers,  gratitude to my boss and my work colleagues for allowing me the time off to spend her last days together, love and peace to our family – she is always with us, just a love thought away. 

We will all go back to our lives today some of you will travel farther than others. As you do, Please carry with you the knowing that you are loved by an angel, my mom Sheena, 

I will carry her love with me every day and do everything I can to carry on her legacy of loving kindness. I love you Mom. 

It’s the little things 

This is a pitcher. It’s filled with water, and infused with pineapple, blueberries and raspberries. It makes me so happy, I barely have the words for it. But I will try.

I know it’s ridiculous to be in love with infused water, but I am and here’s why…

I learned about it recently at our local hospital where my mom was receiving care for 6 days. Our days were filled with doctors, medicines, sweet talks and visits from friends and family.

Each day I would walk down to the cafeteria and look forward to seeing the water flavors of the day. Cucumber Lemon, Raspberry Peach, Pineapple Mint, Watermelon.

No matter what was going on that day, I would choose a flavor and enjoy the subtly aromatic fruits and herbs. It isn’t like juice, or coffee, or beer. It’s a cool liquid with hints of fresh flavors that awakens even the most weary traveler with its sweetness.

Some flavors would remind me of trips to Hawaii, or summer. Other flavors made me feel like I just ran my hands through our herb garden in the early morning, the aromas wafting around me, wrapping me in a special blanket of delight.

Sometimes, it’s the little things that bring us joy. The delighted face of my daughter as she blocks the volleyball, the twinkle in my mom’s eyes as the jello wiggles on the spoon, the sparkling candles my partner lit for me, the softness of my youngest son’s hair as I give him a head rub and the wonder in my oldest son’s eyes as he stares at the rain coming down.

For all of these moments of joy, in the tough times and the easy ones, I am very grateful. Cheers!

Balancing act 

I don’t seem to know how to write much these days. My mom has cancer and she is living with us now. Each day is totally different. I wake up in the morning and check on her and the day starts from there. I administer pain pills or talk finances or give hugs, then wake up the kids and take them to their various places. By the time I get to work sometimes I feel like I’ve had a full day already. 

She’s off to chemo today with a friend. She doesn’t feel well already but is determined to go. God Bless her strength and determination. 

I don’t know how to do this, I’ve never done it before. I see my self care slipping by the wayside with everyone else’s needs. I haven’t seemed to figure out how to get enough quiet, sleep, good food and exercise while managing all of these factors. Instead it’s been slow strolls, grabbing salads for lunch, coffee on the way to work, and ice cream before bed. I have goals of exercise first thing in the morning and bedtime routines that foster sleep, those goals are a work in progress these days. 

I read once that if you want to change something in your life you should live by the 5% rule. Do something 5% more or less each day. Get on the treadmill for 5 minutes if that’s what you have, do a little bit of straightening the house, have sorbet instead of ice cream. But then do that 5% consistently and add on as you can. 

So that’s my goal for today, be 5% more loving to myself, with a gentle walk, and some self compassion.

Balancing all of these factors is a challenge. Another way of saying that is… balancing all of these factors is an opportunity for growth. I choose opportunity. And I choose to be loving to my wonderful family and to myself, one moment at a time. 

Who are you?

Who are you?

Are you a Lion raging at life,

or a Mouse hiding from it?

Do you run like a Cheetah,

slide like a Snail,

or glide like a Manta ray?

Do you sing like songbird,

cuddle like a Koala,

or play like a baby Panda?

Do you think you are in charge of everything?

Or do you flow with what life brings you?

Life has a way of lifting us to great heights and bringing us to our knees.

The question in all of this is, who are you?

Do you ride these ups and downs with grace or struggle.

Today I choose the songbird, river otter and eagle to guide my way, with song, playfulness and ease.

Today, who are you?

 

The Warrior’s Walk

I’ve been reflecting on the word warrior lately. It seems I know quite a few. 

One might think that a warrior looks like a big strong man with armor and a mission to save the kingdom, and that may be true, but they also appear in different forms. 

Here are a few- 

Warrior of Light- I am honored to know a women who stands for love and light.  She stands at the alter every morning praying for her loved ones and the world. She has challenges just like the rest of us, but she slices anything not of the light with her Excalibur sword. 

Recently she has been faced with the loss of her partner and the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. She has handled both of these with more grace than I have ever imagined possible. Her motto is “love’s victory” and she marches streadfastly towards healing with the strength of a thousand angels. Darkness does not have a chance around this warrior. She is my mother. 

Warrior of Truth- Another warrior appeared in our lives this week. Her knowledge and kindness unparalleled. She is the heroine stories are written about. She road into a situation when all looked dark and brought hope. She’s traversed obstacles like medications, pallatative care, and transportation to doctors appointments swiftly and with ease. She is weaving together a comfort quilt for a loved one with so much care and honor. She is unstoppable. She is my aunt. 

Warrior of Love- I know a warrior who has been fighting against injustice for decades. When he speaks, people listen. When he writes, people buy books to hear how to be more engaged in their lives and with the youth of today. He has returned home from this travels of late and walked back into my life with determination. “Whatever you need” he keeps saying, and proves it with pizza deliveries, neck rubs, light saber battles with teenagers, listening ears and open arms. He is a man of honor and deep love. He is my hero. 

Warrior of the Earth- This friend has been committed to being the earth’s protector for many years. She has studied ecology, planted roots, taught children to care for our planet and volunteered to serve at risk youth through growing good food. Most recently she set up a meal train for a family going through a tough time. She is an inspiration to me. She is my friend.

These warriors all carry missions of hope. They are strong and look obstacles directly in the face and say “I am here to fight for what is right”. They are a constant inspiration to me and I am honored to be walking with them, onward.