Letting Go

0ef54ba44185e87083fa870085203b27--bird-flock-bird-flyingThey say our loved ones speak to us after they are gone. Sometimes in symbols, other times through dreams.

I had a dream about my mom last night. I was in the hospital with her, I had been there for hours but for some reason had not been into her room. Perhaps I thought she was sleeping. I heard one of the nurses say to another that she was scheduled to start radiation tomorrow. I was surprised. She had been doing chemo for months and it wasn’t going well so why would they be starting her on another treatment?

I walked into her room and saw her lying there in the most uncomfortable position. Her arm was outstretched off the bed and I could see she was struggling with the strength to move it back to the bed. I rushed to her and gently scooped up her arm and enfolded her in the biggest hug. She melted like butter into my arms and said, “I want peace honey. I want peace.” I said, “I know Mom, you will. Very soon.”

She has been gone for 5 months now. I woke up this morning realizing perhaps it is time to scatter her ashes.

I don’t want to. It’s so final.

I want her with me when we move next month, I want her to be at our wedding in 3 months, and my daughter’s graduation and my son’s games. I want her to see the flowers we plant in the backyard in her honor, so many flowers. I want her to stay with me forever and ever.

Letting go is so hard. And, that doesn’t mean it is the wrong thing to do.

Part of me knows she will be with me forever. In butterflies, rainbows, memories, and songs. Her beautiful spirit will radiate forever.

There is a river her heart felt called to around here. I will plan to go visit it this week and see if it is the right place for her ashes. I will plan to let the tears flow, as I write this, and as I think about letting her go, or I guess another way of thinking about it is, setting her free.

I want that freedom for her, and I know she already has it, and it is becoming time to complete the cycle. No matter how much it aches.

I love you Mom. I want you to fly like the joyful sparrow that you are, swooping and playing in the breeze, your joy filled spirit singing as you dance.

I am learning to let go, and with that set free the most loving angel I have ever known,

I love you Mom, forever and ever and ever.

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In Search of Comfort

alice-tea-cup-9aA Mother’s comfort is the warmest, most welcoming, loving and whole experience there is, at least in my experience.

If my Mom was an inventor, she would have invented soup – like the entire concept of it – and every amazing recipe you would have ever tried – both tomato basil AND chicken noodle. My Mom must have invented sunlight. It sparkles just like her, it radiates warmth, sunlight makes rainbows, it nourishes the earth, and creates freckles – which she always called – sun kisses.  Fresh berries warmed by the sun must have been one of her creations too. You know the kind you just pick off the vine and they burst with flavor in your mouth, like your own personal berry firework.

My Mom passed away a few months ago, after a two year battle with cancer. I still can’t believe it some moments.

As I was thinking about her the other day, and all of the gifts she brought into my life, I realized one of them was wisdom, another love, and yet another comfort. She was my shoulder to cry on, my sounding board, and someone who loved me without reservation, no matter what. What a magical woman. I feel blessed beyond words to be her daughter.

The first Mother’s Day since her passing was last weekend. We went to the ocean. Someone told me, “the ocean is big enough for your grief, it can handle it. Make an offering to the ocean and she will hear your call”. I took a long walk and offered my grief to the ocean. The ocean was very gracious.

How do you comfort yourself when your Mother is gone from your sight? What does that even mean? Who holds your hand, strokes your hair, and tells you everything is going to be ok? My partner is wonderful, my kids are too, as well as my friends and, they are not her. I want her.

I keep trying to find her. In voice messages and photos, ice cream and chocolate, in TV and staying up too late. God I miss her. She would know the answer.

I have gained 15 pounds in the last six months, I’m exhausted and I still can’t find her.

“Grief is just love that has nowhere to go anymore”.

She would say, “Honey, be gentle with yourself. Get some rest. Ask the kids to help around the house more. Buy yourself some flowers from me”. And I love all of those ideas AND no offense Mom, but they just don’t hold a candle to you. Nothing does.

So, I keep searching for comfort. She would also say, “Comfort does not come from outside sweetheart, it comes from compassion towards yourself. It’s noticing the tea bag steeping in the green mug, it’s the fuzzy slippers I bought for you, it’s the love blanket with all of my prayers I left for you, it’s your memories of loving times together, it’s hugs and candlelight. It’s the intention you have to care for yourself, and then the act of doing that. Take heart dear one, you know how to do this.”

So tonight, I soaked in the bath as the candles flickered, I put on my coziest pajamas, and I am going to bed early because I am slowing learning how to create comfort for myself, one act at a time.

Thank you Mom.

me and mom

Ocean blessing 

The sun radiates light, making jewels on the ocean.

I taste saltwater on my lips from the waves crashing on the jetty.

A seal surfs in the water, murky from the storm yesterday.

I sit. Rest. Breathe. Pray.

The ebb and flow of the ocean is the music I hear.

My family plays around the corner.

My partner the pirate, chasing wayward soldiers and kite flyers.

These are the moments that fill the soul, warm the heart and make memories for years to come.

How grateful I am.

I see a whale surface on the horizon, a happy birthday to my love.

A seagull flys towards me again, playing in the breeze.

I feel the spirit of my mother here. She waves a wing to me as if to say “I love you forever”.

I know she sees me. I feel her giving me strength and patience, grace and kindness.

I see her spirit soaring too.

She shares this day, this ocean blessing with me.

To the season 

The morning is crisp, 

cool air and soft pinks fill the horizon,

as birds awaken us to the day. 

Light drops of rain welcomed, 

after the fiery heat of a dry summer. 

The leaves on our favorite tree 

turn from vibrant green to a warm gold. 

The season of autumn begins. 

School supplies purchased, 

backpacks packed, 

children return to their studies. 

Lazy hours at the lake replaced by 
routines, 

volleyball games 

and steaming soups in the kitchen.

Fall arrives with intentions

let go, 

slow down, 

family, 

hearth and home. 

Vacations are done for now, 

short sleeves turn into long

as we welcome the new season. 

Bittersweet yet beautiful, 

the summer heat 

simmers instead of burns.

Thoughts of knitting, 

pumpkins, Thanksgiving, 

and gratitude fill the imagination.

Always gratitude. 

As the season changes, 

we express love to the summer for its many gifts 

and move into 

the season of harvest and gratitude. 

I raise my glass of tea, 

to the season of summer, thank you. 

To the season of autumn, welcome.

Who are you?

Who are you?

Are you a Lion raging at life,

or a Mouse hiding from it?

Do you run like a Cheetah,

slide like a Snail,

or glide like a Manta ray?

Do you sing like songbird,

cuddle like a Koala,

or play like a baby Panda?

Do you think you are in charge of everything?

Or do you flow with what life brings you?

Life has a way of lifting us to great heights and bringing us to our knees.

The question in all of this is, who are you?

Do you ride these ups and downs with grace or struggle.

Today I choose the songbird, river otter and eagle to guide my way, with song, playfulness and ease.

Today, who are you?

 

Reflection on a spring morning

This morning I sit quietly,

my cup of coffee steaming on the windowsill,

as the rain streams down outside.

It’s late spring in our region,

the sky is watering my tiny swiss chard and kale plants.

The weeks leading up to this moment of peace have been challenging.

My body told me to slow down with bronchitis and exhaustion.

My stepfather passed away of a heart attack unexpectedly.

Two of my three kids are out of school for the summer.

And my mom’s cancer treatment continues.

I sit quietly this morning and reflect on all of this,

and all of the blessings that have come into my life.

As I write, I am enfolded by a comfort quilt gifted by a friend.

It was made by members of a local church and I can feel the love that went into making it.

My colleagues have set up a meal plan for my family.

I have been surrounded by comforting arms and cried with many loved ones.

I have received cards and love from far and wide.

In all of this, every aspect of life,

from the happy to the sad,

I know that I am surrounded by love,

and with love anything is possible.

 

 

 

Waiting for the season to change 

I can feel it coming, but it hasn’t arrived yet.

The clouds are bursting with raindrops,

nourishment for the baby vegetables just we planted. 

I have seen more rainbows in the last two weeks, than I have in a long while. 

Daffodils are trumpeting “spring is coming”. 

We wait in anticipation of the sun on our skin again. 

My favorite barista is dressed in all flowers. 

The party I will attend tomorrow is “bright colors only, no black or gray allowed!”

We are all beckoning the light and warmth to return.

It will come, in the right season. I know this to be true. 

Today, we welcome the raindrops and know that spring will come soon. 

Patience

 

 Patience. 

A word it turns out I need to practice. 

In my world I do a lot of moving things forward, planning and action. 

In this moment, I see the need to be patient. 

Let life evolve, 

Being patient with myself, 

my insecurities.

It turns out something’s take time to grow.

From the planting the seed,

to the tree baring fruit 

does not happen overnight.

And, it doesn’t help to tell the tree to hurry up, 

I’ve noticed.

And so, another life lesson is born.

Be patient and trust in the process. 

Focus on other plants that need tending to grow.

Trust in the seasons, 

life’s wisdom, 

and know that all things grow with time, 

we just need to be patient.  

Desert Bloom 

 In the desert,

prickly and dry terrain

as far as the eye can see.

Walks are beautiful here,

but watch your step, 

desert creatures aren’t always friendly.

Sometimes it must seem like there is no end to the desert, no growth happening.

And yet, on our walk

I see something new, 

there, just around the corner, 

see it? 

It’s bright yellow, 

in contrast to the dust of the earth,

it looks as if the sun planted itself right here. 

Green foliage grounds it in the earth.

This beautiful, shining flower shows me that even in the desert, 

life grows. 

This flower is special. It’s one of a kind. 

Others pass it, unnoticed. 

Not us, we see it. 

And know, it is just for us, 

A reminder, that love grows,

wherever it’s planted. 

Unknown pathways 

  I see the pathway, 

my feet move forward. 

I don’t know where this pathway is going. 

Will it be a hard walk, 

or an easy stroll?

Will there be obstacles along the way, 

or fresh huckleberries lining the path? 

I don’t know. 

I see myself grasping at branches and shrubs, 

looking for grounding, 

for safe passage. 

Yet, these plants do not offer what I am looking for. 

I glance at the sky, 

hoping for a sign of the weather to come, 

but I just see a little ways ahead. 

I look down, 

discouraged, 

when out of the corner of my eye, 

I see the tiniest pink blossom.

It’s looking at me too, 

with a smile on its petals. 

As if to say, 

“Welcome to the pathway”. 

I stop and slowly look around, 

There,

right at my feet,

is a soft blanket of flowers,

I had never seen before. 

As I gaze ahead,

I see blossoms in hues of yellows, purples and pinks, 

I hear a creek running up ahead. 

I notice the birdsong that is serenading my journey.

I walk forward, 

with this new awareness, 

I see I am surrounded by life, 

by love. 

I am peaceful. 

I walk on, 

not knowing what will happen on this pathway, 

but knowing,

where to focus,

along the way.