Waiting for the season to change 

I can feel it coming, but it hasn’t arrived yet.

The clouds are bursting with raindrops,

nourishment for the baby vegetables just we planted. 

I have seen more rainbows in the last two weeks, than I have in a long while. 

Daffodils are trumpeting “spring is coming”. 

We wait in anticipation of the sun on our skin again. 

My favorite barista is dressed in all flowers. 

The party I will attend tomorrow is “bright colors only, no black or gray allowed!”

We are all beckoning the light and warmth to return.

It will come, in the right season. I know this to be true. 

Today, we welcome the raindrops and know that spring will come soon. 

Learning to deal with what is

I’ve tried it all over the last few days. Anything to make me feel better about my mom’s cancer. 

I’ve taken a day off, watched romantic comedies, made lasagna, green smoothies, and blueberry scones. 

I went to the gym. I danced and did more squats than I thought possible. 

I’ve written, reached out to friends and cleaned my room.

And… my mom still has cancer. 

It’s not fair for a lot of reasons. She is such a warrior and I still don’t want her to have to go through this. You shouldn’t get cancer if you eat kale everyday. 

It turns out I can’t control this one. I can usually try a new strategy at work or set up chores at home, but this, not so much. 

It turns out I have to figure out how to “be” with what is. That is hard when you don’t like what is.

Why is that so hard?! I guess I’m not the Buddha yet, because I’m pretty attached to this loved one. I have plans for her too. She’s supposed to be here when my kids get married, when I get remarried, when I buy a house. That was always the plan. And now, this disease is trying to change that. I do NOT approve.

I guess cancer doesn’t ask for anyone’s approval. 

And so, I write. I google new strategies to start tomorrow and I pray. Tomorrow I will try and do I little better. I will be gentle with myself.

I will hug my mom. And know that however long we have weeks or years, I am so grateful and slowly, I’m learning to deal with what is.

Cloudburst

The clouds are creeping in today,

I’ve seen them in the distance but I wasn’t sure when they would arrive.

A mixture of rain and snow,

crisp and urgent it drops to the ground.

I feel attuned to the clouds today,

a release of feelings stuffed inside, 

is breaking free. 

My mom, the kindest heart I know, will not live forever. 

Perhaps it will be the cancer, or maybe something else someday down the road. 

At some point she will not be here. 

I don’t even know what that means. 

I know I will be okay, 

I know I have so much to be grateful for. 

And yet, sadness circles like the clouds. 

So I sit,

noticing and appreciating the rain.

it has a purpose,

to nourish and ground us,

to clean the air.

I’ve judged the clouds before,

and today, their purpose is more clear to me. 

When there is so much love,

there will be sadness too.

It’s part of this walk of life.

And that’s okay. 

Just as the earth needs the sun and rain for  balance, 

so do we need to honor love and sadness.

To be in the full experience of life, we must breathe in the hard stuff and the good.

As I sit, I am overcome with gratitude. 

To have walked with this this loving kindness angel, my mom, for so many years. 

As the sun breaks through, my quiet prayer is “Thank you God, thank you for my mom.”

Dear Universe, thanks for the reminder.

Yesterday will go down in history as one of the more eye opening days of my life. 

First, let’s recap the situation… I’m a single mom with three very active kids, my mom is dealing with cancer, I work a robust job as the Executive Director for an educational organization. 

My boss took me to lunch yesterday, which was very kind. Basically, through the course of the conversation I realized this was a “you need to slow down” intervention. First of all, how awesome is that? My boss literally said, you’re doing a great job, cut yourself some slack, it’s ok to coast for a little while when you have a lot going on in your personal life. Oh. 

Now if you are anything like me, I just go. I wake up in the morning with the prayer “please let me be a blessing today” and then my feet hit the floor. My plate is filled with passion until I crawl into bed at night, and I love it. And… as I keep learning there are more sustainable ways to exist than others. 

I left the luncheon in awe and reflection.

The theme seemed to continue throughout the day. It’s like the universe said “I’m going to help you get my point”. 

I called a dear friend and told her about this conversation, she said a lot of wise things, as usual. “Don’t let fear get in the way of your loving truth” was the one that really stuck with me. She too said, it’s ok to slow down and savor this time with my kids, and my mom. 

Next came several conversations with my team, exec committee, and board chairs. My boss suggested I started telling people what’s going on in my life, so I did. The result was so surprising. A felt a huge outpouring of support and kindness from my community. While it was scary to share, it was so worth it. 

I think I have been in on autopilot, just doing the next thing in front of me while adding more and more to my plate. I haven’t wanted to tell anyone because I was afraid of their judgement. What if they think I can’t do all this? I need to believe I can. But the truth is, none of us can do it all, we all need support and that doesn’t make us weak or less of a superstar it just makes us real. 

As Lent starts today, I could give up sugar or Facebook and while those aren’t bad ideas, I think life is calling me to look deeper. I plan to give up trying so hard. Instead, I will work on allowing and embracing life. It takes intention and more space, to allow myself to feel, vision and love more fully. It’s a more vulnerable space, and that’s ok too. Who are we not to fully embrace life? Do not let life make you hard. Let life help you grow tall with empathy, sprinkled with kindness, may you deeply know love. 

And dear universe, thank you for the reminder. 

 

Patience

 

 Patience. 

A word it turns out I need to practice. 

In my world I do a lot of moving things forward, planning and action. 

In this moment, I see the need to be patient. 

Let life evolve, 

Being patient with myself, 

my insecurities.

It turns out something’s take time to grow.

From the planting the seed,

to the tree baring fruit 

does not happen overnight.

And, it doesn’t help to tell the tree to hurry up, 

I’ve noticed.

And so, another life lesson is born.

Be patient and trust in the process. 

Focus on other plants that need tending to grow.

Trust in the seasons, 

life’s wisdom, 

and know that all things grow with time, 

we just need to be patient.  

Recipe for Love 

It’s true,

I’ve burned a couple of things in my life, 

And been burned too.

And… 

I survived to try again.

After trial and error,

here is my 

Recipe for Love…

1 cup youthful hope 

1 cup belief in love (baggage removed) 

2 cups laughter 

1 cup trust (fear melted)

A bunch of willingness to try 

Kisses to taste 

Add in faith, handfuls of love and mix. 

Knead and shape,

Bake until warm.

You’ll know it’s done, 

when you take a taste

and your insides melt,

beacause 

it’s the most perfect thing 

you have ever experienced. 

Savor, 

take time to appreciate, 

and enjoy. 

Desert Bloom 

 In the desert,

prickly and dry terrain

as far as the eye can see.

Walks are beautiful here,

but watch your step, 

desert creatures aren’t always friendly.

Sometimes it must seem like there is no end to the desert, no growth happening.

And yet, on our walk

I see something new, 

there, just around the corner, 

see it? 

It’s bright yellow, 

in contrast to the dust of the earth,

it looks as if the sun planted itself right here. 

Green foliage grounds it in the earth.

This beautiful, shining flower shows me that even in the desert, 

life grows. 

This flower is special. It’s one of a kind. 

Others pass it, unnoticed. 

Not us, we see it. 

And know, it is just for us, 

A reminder, that love grows,

wherever it’s planted.