I woke up this morning just feeling angry. Tired for sure but angry as well. That is not a normal feeling for me. I might be frustrated momentarily but today I was just pissed.
I took today and tomorrow off to honor my Mom’s birthday, her passing and just give myself some much needed self care time. My partner is sick and has been for 10 days so I will plan to take him to the doctor when he wakes up. I took 4 kids to school, 2 different trips driving in the rain, 4 reminders (at least) for lunches and raincoats. I came home and the house was a pit. Clothes laying around, the dining room table scattered with banana peels, cheerios and hardware for the painting that needs to be hung up. One of the kids didn’t unload the dishwasher so the whole kitchen was a mess. I unloaded/reloaded the dishwasher, wiped down counters, cleaned off the dining room table, moved chairs from the 13 person dinner party we had the night before. My son’s laundry isn’t dry, which means since mine is behind his, it’s still soaking. I went into the study to sit down and there were 2 wet rags on the chair, the list goes on…
Did I mention this was my day off?
As I was puttering and swearing under my breath, I came upon a bag with the remnants of my Mother’s ashes in them. We spread them yesterday at a river nearby. I went to put the coat I was wearing yesterday and I can’t. I have to wash it, it was the one I wore when we scattered her ashes. I wonder if it has some ashes on it. I just can’t deal.
So, I melt and write and pray for patience, compassion for myself, my partner and the kids. I watch the rain come down, hear the dishwasher churn, feel the warmth from the heat vent on my toes.
It always comes back to the moment, doesn’t it? I read recently that if you are depressed-you are living in the past, anxious- you are living in the future, at peace – in the present moment. So I sit. Breathe. And repeat.
The Cheerios will not multiply and overtake me, the wet rags will dry out, the clutter (which is everywhere) will be tidied up in due time. I am having a quiet moment on my day off which was my goal. Right now, it’s just me, the rain, the warmth and the dishwasher doing a job that I don’t have to.
My Mother taught me well, that in any situation there is space for gratitude, you just have to slow down enough to find it.