The Tupperware cupboard

I was putting away the dishes today and I stopped in my tracks. I had clicked the lids on the clean storage containers and opened the cabinet, prepared to do battle as usual. Typically, I take a big breath, exhale and dive in. It’s a mess, nothing matches, and everything is jumbled, like a tossed salad.

Today, it was different. I opened the cupboard, and there was space. Right there, on the shelf. I slide the container in, with the matching lid secured and closed the cabinet door.

I stood there, confused. Disoriented really. Then I realized, 2/3 of my kids are at college. They are baby adults, learning how to put their own Tupperware away. The one at home is a junior in high school and is very busy.

There is literally space, in the cupboard, and in my life.

Today I cleaned the house, washing and put away 3 loads of laundry, picked up groceries, went for two joyful walk/runs, and next I’m going to make meals for the week.

It is AWESOME. As a solo parent for so many years I was always out of time and space. Today, I realized space has arrived. I miss the college kids and if I could choose to have them here I would pick that every time, but this is new and intriguing. It feels like, it’s my turn.

My turn to buy hella cute shoes (which I did today). My turn to make healthier food, move the treadmill into the game room, and read a book next to the cat, with no interruptions. I feel like Princess Jasmine in the Aladdin moving singing, “I whole new world…”

Let’s get this adventure started!

House of Love

I leave the porch light on

for travelers to find their way home. 

The hearth is warm, and the cat purrs, as the kettle steams. 

Tonight I weave my teabag string through the handle, just like you taught me. 

As the tea steeps, I think of days gone by and a smile touches my lips. 

Days of rowdy board games, and rushing kids to places on time. 

Almost all of the birds flown now and I love to watch them soar.

I sip the sweetness of youthful days with laughter bouncing from room to room. 

I remember holding closely through all the seasons, chilly fingers and warm hands.

I feel all of it. 

Memories fill this home with music, even when it’s quiet. 

For this house,

we built together,

this house of love. 

The Mosaic Lamp

My son sat down to play the piano today, before he headed back to college this afternoon.

This piano is quite a character. It is missing a foot and was given to us by the kids’ middle school years ago. It’s raggedly and slightly out of tune, but we don’t care. We are so grateful for it. It’s surrounded by photos of our family, plants, a sunrise painting I made, and a small mosaic lamp and we love it.

Today, he taught himself “Drops of Jupiter”. He does that, just starts playing and teaches himself a new song. I love to watch the process. Trial and error, discipline, practice, curiosity, persistence, and joy. All values I hoped he would grow up with someday.

He’s headed back to college today. He and his girlfriend are there for a few days before she flys back to school on the east coast. I’m so proud of him I don’t even have words. For who he is, for what he has overcome, and the gifts he shares with the world. He’s going to school to be a teacher.

Tears are streaming down my face as sit by the fire and write this. I have so much love for my family. So much gratitude and amazement too. I don’t know how we did it, these three kids and I. All the pieces came together. They were broken but somehow with a lot of love and a village of support, we glued ourselves together to and make beautiful light, like our mosaic lamp. Today, we shine. We are bright, bold, colorful, warm, and loving.

One kiddo is rock-climbing, another is studying microbiology, and the third is road-tripping back to college. As I sit here thinking about them, my heart is full and I share these words of advice:

“Shine your lights little ones. Be brave, kind, and adventurous. Do what is yours to do in this world. Your mama loves you more than words. I will keep the lamp on for you, so you always know the way home.”

Full Moon Fire- let it burn!

I feel a rage deep inside that burns. Not a smolder, a bonfire. Kindling of broken promises and blame, logs of hurt, judgement and abuse.

Today it burns. And it is released. It burns in fire, and also in lifting heavy weights at the gym, in purposeful steps towards healing, in punching the punching bag with intention. It burns free.

Gone are the unfilled expectations, the dreams promised but not honored. Gone is putting everyone else first and leaving myself the scraps. Gone is accepting bullshit and control as love. It’s gone. And there is no going back to less than healthy and supportive love that feels warm not cold or harmful.

On this full moon, it is released to the heavens. Smoke filled with pain disperses in mid air. Vanishing into the universe’s open embrace.

Goodbye pain that I have been carrying like a backpacker ready for a long journey. Goodbye to the rocks in my stomach that keep me down.

I’m going places where the weight of the past is no longer a part of the packing list.

I was made to fly. Watch me soar!

Transformation Fire

It was a full moon and the end of a long season of swimming against the tide for her. Relationship endings, overworking, and grief of an empty nest.

It was time, for a transformation fire. She filled the basin with old memories and dreams, unconscious desires, and fear of being left behind. She put it all in, stirred it thoughtfully together like a witches brew and set that shit on fire.

Some of it took off in flame, releasing the stress and drama into the ethers. Others needed more stirring and coaxing, which she did with intention. “Burn!”, she thought. Burning off the old, releasing the pain, tears and trying so hard. She lit it up. With each paper burning, she felt lighter. With each memory released to the heavens, she felt the angels cheering her on. “Release, let go, release, let go!” So she did, over and over, tears of gratitude flowing as her light returned. One sparkle at a time, she renewed, transformed. The fire within her that they tried to extinguish, set on fire. Slowly she remembered her center, warm and kind. A place no one can put out. Gently she hugged herself home again. Welcoming the one who was returning home from a battle she never wanted to fight. A battle that was never hers.

Warming her hands as the flames dwindled, she remembered who she was. A light that burns brightly. She is a transformation fire.

The Baking Time

We took my middle child to college on Saturday. It was a whirlwind of moving boxes and feeling feelings. Deep love and amazement poured through my veins. As we drove home, I thought to myself, “what do I do with myself now?”

On Sunday morning, I picked up a book and didn’t put it down until I was finished. It poured outside all day. It was perfect. I haven’t done that in 20 years. It was miraculous and so pleasant.

Sunday night arrived and I decided to bake something. Sunday nights are typically big family dinners at our house, but that has changed now. I looked through the cabinets to see what supplies we had around. Not much. It had been a long time since I had time to bake.

I filled a big bowl with oats, blueberries, honey, a few other things and an abundance of lemon zest. I made lemon blueberry cookies and they tasted like summer.

When Monday rolled around… I made a blueberry cobbler. The warm bubbles of the purple blueberries made me smile and think of a house full of laughter.

The week got busy with work and activities. Life does that.

On Friday, my youngest son went to a friends house and it was just me. It was so quiet. Like I haven’t experienced in years.

I started baking. A friend gave us a huge zucchini so I shredded six cups and made four loaves of chocolate zucchini bread. Chocolatey goodness. With all the kids here, these would have been gone in a day. Fortunately, I had potlucks to attend and froze some since the kids were gone.

On Sunday we visited my dad. It was apple harvesting time. We picked two boxes. So naturally, I needed to bake two apple crisps. With the fresh apples, amazing.

It’s been a baking time. As I reflect on this week with two kids away at college and one home, I discovered things. The pouring and mixing and sharing is a way to process my grief and love. I think about them as I mix and stir. I wonder how they are as I chop and measure. While things are baking my home feels and smells amazing. Like they are going to come home from volleyball and rock climbing soon. It is just my youngest son and I now. We are creating new traditions filled with home baked treats and laughter.

I don’t know if I will keep baking but I do know, it has helped me welcome in this new season, and I am grateful for this baking time.

A letter from an Angel

This morning I woke up super early and very motivated. I put my hair in a ponytail and my workout clothes on. I waited for the kettle to boil water for coffee and I thought about this next step.

My fiancé is moving in soon. We are putting his house on the market and joining families. We have both been amazed and how this process has just flowed. We just keep saying “wow, this is incredible” and moving on to the next action that presents itself.

This morning it was boxes in the garage. My job is to make space, his is to pack up and move over here. My son set out boxes for me to go through. Four of them. The seemed like a mountain to me. Like an insurmountable summit that only a few have ever reached.

I took a deep breath, said a prayer of gratitude and began. My kiddo didn’t start me on the easy boxes, apparently he thinks I am very strong (thanks sweetie). The first box was filled with old checkbook registers and paid bills in my mom’s handwriting. Her special purple pen wrote thoughts about this and that, here and there. The loving loops and swirls of her signature and the notes she wrote created a lump in my throat. Oh how I miss her.

I dove more into the box, I found a million dollar bill (thanks Mom) and a large pack of forever stamps (thanks for that too Mom). I giggled as I thought about how much she would have loved to see me find these things. I guess forever stamps do really last forever don’t they? Even from the heavens she is giving me gifts, a million dollars and the gift of forever. She used to say that every night before bed, “I love you forever and ever.”

Under the receipts and pamphlets, I found a letter. A card with my name on it that she never gave me. Tears streamed down my eyes. “OMG!”, I thought. “What would it say? How could I possibly open it? How could I not open it?” It will be the last thing she ever says to me.

I sit in her chair as I write this. Surrounded by her love and energy. What an unbelievable gift to have been raised by this Angel. With kindness pouring from her beautiful soul, she walked into the world as a warrior of loving kindness. She was fierce in her determination to be a blessing. She radiated light on those who had the opportunity to be in her life and yet her ministry was much larger than that.

In going through her boxes, I found files and files of prayer requests. My mother started a prayer ministry for those in need. She awoke at 4am everyday to do her morning rituals and then pray for others. I found files that categorized the requests for prayers: physical, legal, emotional, financial, relationships… the list goes on.

As I think about what I want to do and be in this world, what I want to bring and give, I think about my Mom. Her loving spirit is all around me and know I will continue to share her mission of loving kindness, in many ways, forever and ever.

Natural Climate

Tonight the day and the mood were hot.

Tempers and temperatures,

heat and heated,

the air felt thick with conflicting currents.

I needed a cool breeze

a break from the onslaught.

I walked and walked

the air cooled

the sparrows swooped.

In the trees,

tall and wise,

I remembered my natural climate.

The flow of the breeze

whispered loving thoughts.

I remembered peace

and how it is all around me,

no matter the temperature.

As the day comes to a close,

the sun sets through the forest,

showing me

the path back home.

Reimagining the season

I’m going to be real with you, it has been a tough season.

My partner sold his house and moved in with his two kids. His father passed away unexpectedly. My job has become unmanageable, yet I’m working full time and consulting. His job changed too. The weather has been gross.

We have traveled to California 3 times this spring, plus Utah for me and California 2 more times for him. I gave gained 10 pounds and he has gained 30.

It’s 2:38am. I should be asleep but I long for answers. What’s the next step with my job? How will we resolve our conflict about not enough space? How will I find the energy to workout? It’s going to be a beautiful sunny day and I’m in nonstop online meetings again at the office, what do I wear for that?

I crave rest, peace, creativity, and balance. I dream of joy, autonomy, harmony, and collaboration.

And so I write. In times of sorrow, confusion, and joy, I write.

When I know the answers, and when I don’t, I write.

The answers slowly appear. Through paper and pen, or fingers on the keyboard, they begin show their form.

What do I want to do today? Rest. Organize my closet. Get rid of clutter. Bike to the co-op and buy beets, arugula, and goat cheese for dinner. Write about spring, the birds, the blossoms and love in the air. Walk in the woods. Exhale.

Instead I will put on work clothes and be in online meetings all day, I think to myself.

Or. What if I think about it differently? How do I do that? Great question. Things I can do in the day: cancel the personal trainer at the crack of dawn, sleep in, walk in the woods. bike to the co-op with my partner, get rid of one bag of clothes, sit outside and soak up the beautiful day.

I can bring joy into my life in little ways. Mindful moments make up a beautiful life. I don’t have it all figured out, but here’s to practicing.

Quiet reflection (and ice cream)

Sometimes you just need to make your own peace, quiet, and ice cream! (And yes, that is a fork. Necessity is the mother of invention they say).

Hi friends, it’s been awhile! We have been traveling, work has been busy, house renovations, teens, and aging parents have populated the last few months.

So many good things. And a lot.

So this afternoon, I just stopped. Stopped the emails and the doing and the planning and the helping and paused for a little me time.

I love this spot. It’s the very bottom of the puget sound. Looking north you can see heron rookeries and seagulls catching their lunch.

I have paused here many times, in many seasons of my life. I am grateful for the respite it brings from the busyness of the world.

I feel a new chapter coming on. Spring is FINALLY here. It feels like we haven’t had one in a couple of years due to covid.

I am getting married this summer. My consulting business is growing. My kids are getting older and just a couple more years till they are launched. The renovations on the house are *really* almost done.

Now what?

As I meditate on that answer I hear three things. Health. Creativity. Order.

Health – I have been walking and biking but I’m totally not consistent. There have been seasons were I have been religious with exercise but had been awhile. Same with healthy eating. I have been a big ice cream fan lately. It’s important to have grace for oneself in busy seasons but also to get moving. I ordered CSA (farm share box) for the season and added yoga to my calendar weekly.

Creativity – I write most days in a journal but I haven’t been very consistent with that either. So I’m writing today and I set an art date with a friend on Saturday.

Order- Our house has undergone a lot of transformation over the last couple of months. I feel discombobulated and like there is WAY too much stuff. Tonight I will pay bills, and this weekend get rid of clothes and organize the office.

There are times when we just need to be still and remember our priorities. That is today. As I move into this next chapter. I pause and give thanks to the chapters that have come before this one. So much learning. So much growth.

Today I am grateful for reprioritization through quiet reflection. Note to self, I should do this more often! And I will.

Blessings to you all.