The Mosaic Lamp

My son sat down to play the piano today, before he headed back to college this afternoon.

This piano is quite a character. It is missing a foot and was given to us by the kids’ middle school years ago. It’s raggedly and slightly out of tune, but we don’t care. We are so grateful for it. It’s surrounded by photos of our family, plants, a sunrise painting I made, and a small mosaic lamp and we love it.

Today, he taught himself “Drops of Jupiter”. He does that, just starts playing and teaches himself a new song. I love to watch the process. Trial and error, discipline, practice, curiosity, persistence, and joy. All values I hoped he would grow up with someday.

He’s headed back to college today. He and his girlfriend are there for a few days before she flys back to school on the east coast. I’m so proud of him I don’t even have words. For who he is, for what he has overcome, and the gifts he shares with the world. He’s going to school to be a teacher.

Tears are streaming down my face as sit by the fire and write this. I have so much love for my family. So much gratitude and amazement too. I don’t know how we did it, these three kids and I. All the pieces came together. They were broken but somehow with a lot of love and a village of support, we glued ourselves together to and make beautiful light, like our mosaic lamp. Today, we shine. We are bright, bold, colorful, warm, and loving.

One kiddo is rock-climbing, another is studying microbiology, and the third is road-tripping back to college. As I sit here thinking about them, my heart is full and I share these words of advice:

“Shine your lights little ones. Be brave, kind, and adventurous. Do what is yours to do in this world. Your mama loves you more than words. I will keep the lamp on for you, so you always know the way home.”

Welcoming the New Year!

Welcome 2024. I embrace you with wild open arms!

I awoke this morning with a deep sense of peace. I have been shedding 2023 over the last couple of months and it feels pretty clean. I have more papers to burn and clothes to discard but those are the remnants, and that project will be done soon.

I have more to continue to shed over the next year, caring about the opinions of others, extra weight I was holding as protection and unresolved pain. I have habits to continue to shed to, reaching out to unavailable people, surfing social media, stuffing stressful experiences instead of releasing them. But mostly, I feel solid, strong, able. I am perfectly imperfect, and I’m at peace with that.

Today is the first day of the new year. What a gift. A new beginning. I will create art that welcomes in JOY! (Like these collages I made last night.)

Today I will till the soil in my garden, literally. Preparing it for planting in the spring. Creating the environment where new beginnings will grow and thrive.

I am a healthy, strong woman. I will continue to appreciate and move my body. Stretching and dancing and embracing all that my body is with gratitude!

I am an artist! I will create paintings, collages, crafts, books, poetry, and art because I am moved to express beauty and joy!

Join me in welcoming this new year and new you with enthusiasm and joyful appreciation!

Imagine what you can create this year if you put your brilliance into it!!

With joyful love,

T

Wisdom of the Crocus

Slowly,

Without pressure

or intensity

she settled in to a peaceful rhythm.

Restless at times

but with deep knowing,

she senses

this is a season of quiet, calm.

Just as the crocuses rest under the snow,

So too,

she calmly waits for the next season.

She is not listless or docile,

rather building strength

and growing quietly

as the world moves around her.

Healing,

from what could have kept her down,

she rests,

she renews.

She knows

in the right season,

with outstretched joy,

she will bloom.

She decided it was time to become her own Hero

It was her Mom’s birthday. Well, it would have been if she was still here. She died of cancer after a courageous battle, six years ago.

This day was usually a tough one. Reminders of what isn’t and what could have been. Tears and sadness usually fill the space. And this year, don’t get me wrong she still shed tears of deep love and appreciation. But something new happened.

She visited with a friend the day before and it was so caring. A friend who had seen her at her best and stood next to her at her worst. To be seen like that was… an indescribable feeling… healing is the best word to describe it.

Her friend suggested a podcast about how to get over a divorce, oh yeah, that was happening in her life too. She was not a huge fan of podcasts, but she had to clean the kitchen anyways so she decided it was worth a try. She scrubbed and listened, chopped veggies and listened and so on. At one point while she was stirring, she just stopped. In that moment, she decided something. Instead of feeling sad again today, she decided to celebrate. Perhaps it was all the talk from “people like her” or perhaps she was tired of being sad. Whatever it was, she decided, it was time.

She stirred curry into the pot, it simmered and spices filled the air. She smiled. The podcast said to #1 listen to more podcasts and #2 make a vision board. So she listened to another podcast about the power of gratitude to heal us and then got out old magazines and started to rip out whatever inspired her.

Blues, magentas, yellows, green grasses, orange poppies, and hearts. She ripped and glued, she imagined and thanked. She found the word hero amongst the pages and she glued it front and center.

Eventually, she sat back and admired her creation. It had come together so beautifully. Almost as if an Angel was guiding her hands. She just knew where to put the pieces, and it flowed easily together. She loved how it came together. Scraps and torn edges turned into something beautiful.

She took it into her room and hung it on the wall. She wanted to be able to see it first thing every morning. She smiled and said “Happy Birthday Mom, I love you. And thanks for the reminder. It is time to become my own hero.”

Embracing Aliveness

What does it look like to feel fully alive?

Today, for me it means coffee on the patio, overalls, a walk in the woods, hugs with kids. It means putting the shoulds and the other people’s needs in the second position to my own today.

It means getting out the paints and canvas and making time to create. It means planting seeds in the garden and resting in the hammock.

It’s orange essential oils in the diffuser and lemon in my water.

It’s breathing in through the heart and out through the body.

It’s appreciating and being instead of doing and striving. It’s being in the flow. It’s listening to my body, stretching and giving it water and good food. It’s laughter with people I love.

It’s embracing the gift that is this day.

What does feeling fully alive look like for you?

Placencia, Belize

It’s pouring here in paradise. The thunder rumbles, the parrots a loud symphony of discussion regarding their opinions of the storm.

We are nestled in a hut the dock drinking mango and vodka and talking about life.

Moments before I was lounging in the hammock over the Caribbean as the sun burned my skin. One last attempt to become a sun kissed mermaid before our trip home.

As I sit here, I can feel salt on my skin from the swim earlier as the wind tosses around the curls in my hair.

A lone prehistoric bird flies out to see, undaunted by the weather in search of her lunch.

We are downstream from the town so I notice sugar packets, coffee lids, and utensils float by on their way to the plastic ocean in the sea.

This moment is precious. This place is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

We have been here for three days and had the place almost entirely to ourselves.

Last night we biked to the local pub owned by an expat. As we sipped cold beverages, the open air bar filled with Americans looking for connection and a fun night. Music trivia started and we were paired with a couple (who had a few already) from Michigan. We actually did much better than expected!

This morning I awoke early and did yoga with the sunrise. That sounds so cliche… and it was remarkable. Just me, the 2 dogs who live here down the beach. What a gift.

We leave tomorrow and we can both feel our stress coming back. What about this or that or how are we going to…

I just keep coming back to this moment. The rain has stopped, the birds are quiet again. A boat with a large white sail glides by, three birds fly inches above the water, like the are one with all of it.

Gratitude for this beauty mixed with a little sadness fill my heart. I’m so grateful for this experience. I’m sad to go. But mostly, I feel deeply peaceful.

This precious day

“At the intersection of faith and hope, you will find me there.” –Tanya

Today was on of the best days I can remember in quite a while. I woke up actually rested. I laced up my athletic shoes and took a walk in the brisk fall weather. I walked 3.5 miles making it home just before the rain started.

I had a couple of meetings, made a healthy lunch, lifted weights, met with my counselor. I mixed a stirfry and poured us a glass of wine as the kids chatted.

I marinated in the bath with candles and incense, counting the incredible blessings of this day. So much gratitude.

As this day comes to a close I reflect on how putting myself on the schedule made for such an enjoyable day. How the little things like the cinnamon in my morning coffee and the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree bring a sparkle to my spirit.

The holidays can be hard. Busy, emotional, tender, overwhelming. Make sure to make time for you. It makes a world of difference in my experience and allows you to be an even greater blessing in the world.

Magical night

Crisp fall air moves the corners of my jacket as I walk outside

Dark as far as the eye can see

The night is vast, wide open with pinpricks of light throughout, letting the stars in

The cold mixed with the heavens overwhelms me

With awe I gaze heavenward

A shooting star darts by, and then another

All the while the oceans meet the shore, in an ancient dance pulled by the moon

I can’t see it tonight, the moon, just miles of twinkly dots as far as my eyes can see

My imagination plays with the shapes and constellations, crafting stories of long ago and future yet unseen

My bare feet on the frost tell me it is time to go in, so I take one more gaze, and breath in deeply, this magical night.

A letter from an Angel

This morning I woke up super early and very motivated. I put my hair in a ponytail and my workout clothes on. I waited for the kettle to boil water for coffee and I thought about this next step.

My fiancé is moving in soon. We are putting his house on the market and joining families. We have both been amazed and how this process has just flowed. We just keep saying “wow, this is incredible” and moving on to the next action that presents itself.

This morning it was boxes in the garage. My job is to make space, his is to pack up and move over here. My son set out boxes for me to go through. Four of them. The seemed like a mountain to me. Like an insurmountable summit that only a few have ever reached.

I took a deep breath, said a prayer of gratitude and began. My kiddo didn’t start me on the easy boxes, apparently he thinks I am very strong (thanks sweetie). The first box was filled with old checkbook registers and paid bills in my mom’s handwriting. Her special purple pen wrote thoughts about this and that, here and there. The loving loops and swirls of her signature and the notes she wrote created a lump in my throat. Oh how I miss her.

I dove more into the box, I found a million dollar bill (thanks Mom) and a large pack of forever stamps (thanks for that too Mom). I giggled as I thought about how much she would have loved to see me find these things. I guess forever stamps do really last forever don’t they? Even from the heavens she is giving me gifts, a million dollars and the gift of forever. She used to say that every night before bed, “I love you forever and ever.”

Under the receipts and pamphlets, I found a letter. A card with my name on it that she never gave me. Tears streamed down my eyes. “OMG!”, I thought. “What would it say? How could I possibly open it? How could I not open it?” It will be the last thing she ever says to me.

I sit in her chair as I write this. Surrounded by her love and energy. What an unbelievable gift to have been raised by this Angel. With kindness pouring from her beautiful soul, she walked into the world as a warrior of loving kindness. She was fierce in her determination to be a blessing. She radiated light on those who had the opportunity to be in her life and yet her ministry was much larger than that.

In going through her boxes, I found files and files of prayer requests. My mother started a prayer ministry for those in need. She awoke at 4am everyday to do her morning rituals and then pray for others. I found files that categorized the requests for prayers: physical, legal, emotional, financial, relationships… the list goes on.

As I think about what I want to do and be in this world, what I want to bring and give, I think about my Mom. Her loving spirit is all around me and know I will continue to share her mission of loving kindness, in many ways, forever and ever.

Efforting vs. Restoring

Today’s mediation was on the learning the difference between efforting and restoring.

As I sit in my mothers favorite chair, I quietly reflect on the day and the difference.

I have been efforting for a long time. As a person who wants to help make the world a healthy and welcoming place for everyone, there is always plenty of work to do.

As a single mom for many years, efforting was the name of the game because it was on me, all of it.

As I sit in spacious quiet, I breathe. I feel gratitude for my unique walk in life. I think about what paradigms and ways of being I can transform to move from a space of stress to a place of increased peace and joy.

If I didn’t have a huge full time job plus consulting, I would have more time for health and creativity. From this space could I actually do more for humanity and my family if I created more space for me?

If I place value on my status, my position, and hard work does that really fulfill my mission here on this planet and my internal peace? What would happen if I focused my attention differently? By acknowledging that I am deeply loved and an integral part of the universe how would I move differently?

I would give myself space. Just to be with the infinite, the divine and listen.

I would move in fluid and flowy ways instead of rapid and directive.

I would say no thank you with the confidence that I am still loved, even when I set boundaries.

I would create. Poetry, stories, art, pottery, my garden would be blooming with radiant flowers and veggies.

I would love and give from a place of deep and centered abundance.

I would step into something new, into the mystery with the knowing and trust that I will be safe but more than that, I will blossom. I can feel it in my soul.

Let the restoring begin.